Welcome to the Intergalactic Guide to Good vs. Evil Aliens, Now with Extra Protein Shakes & Conspiratorial Geometry

 

🚀 Welcome to the Intergalactic Guide to Good vs. Evil Aliens, Now with Extra Protein Shakes & Conspiratorial Geometry!

👽 Meet the Aliens: The Space Stereotype Showdown

• Good Aliens:

  • Heads the size of cantaloupes, hands like cocktail sausages.

  • Fly elegant cylindrical ships—basically interstellar thermoses with stellar GPS.

  • Eyes: always dark, always brooding—like emo teens with telepathy.

  • Personal mission: float around Earth judging human fashion choices silently.

• Bad Aliens:

  • Sharp spacecrafts shaped like triangles, ellipses, and broken IKEA parts.

  • Aggressive body language detectable on frequencies only dogs and reality TV stars can hear.

  • Eyes: way too bright. They flash like pop-up ads screaming “WE ARE SMART”—and yet they crash in cornfields.

  • Favorite pastimes include scaring cows and stealing Wi-Fi.

🎓 Enter the Ufologists

Experts from the 1980s who wore polyester suits and used telescopes made from repurposed toasters. Their theories include:

• "Ship shape equals moral compass."

• "Big head = big brain = friendship bracelet."

• “If the spaceship looks like a villain's mustache, it probably is.”

But plot twist! What if these labels are all mixed up? What if the "good guys" are just better at PR, and the “bad guys” are misunderstood engineers with a penchant for geometric shapes?

🏋️‍♂️ Astronaut Training: The Bicep Paradox

Question of the millennium: Why do astronauts train like they’re auditioning for Fast & Furious: Mars Drift?

• Instead of elegant aquatic resistance chambers (because science!), they’re hoisting dumbbells in simulated space prisons.—