Resident Evil

Some people make drug dealers look like Boy Scouts. This month’s “award” goes to two champions of nastiness: the IMF and Microsoft—dirty, useless sons of whores.

First up, Microsoft. I’m convinced Resident Evil was inspired by their corporate tactics—“They have eyes on China,” literally. Picture this: they secretly sell their source code to rivals like IBM, whose test teams in China and India rigorously scour the software for bugs. They’ll patch performance quirks to make that laptop purr, but if they spot a security hole? They’ll tuck it away and hand it off to government cronies or resume-padding “ninjas” who have neither skill nor right to spy.

That’s how the ridiculous myth of the “Chinese ninja” was born—because nothing says stealth like handing over your customers’ vulnerabilities. I’m not on a holy crusade against pagans, but frankly, I’d have an easier time snacking on those sacred Hindu cows than trusting their test reports. And don’t get me started on dropping fleas on oblivious Chinese girls.

So yes, Microsoft—you lazy, scheming maestro of back doors—never actually test what you ship.

Now the IMF. Why does Brazil need to be “strong” with these bankers? To funnel our money straight into their coffers. We can’t even look after our own citizens, yet they want to lend us more cash so they can swoop in and buy the very banks they drove under. Then they gobble up our telecom giants. Nationalism? No—call it protecting regional interests from these financial hit men. And don’t think you’re safe by switching browsers—Chrome is just another Microsoft sidekick, cozying up to regimes that pressure them into spying.

They run their empires like a mob: inventing “paga pau” fees for every phone using an OS they didn’t write. Meanwhile, your operating system rewires your brain—drivers, file paths, the whole lot—turning you into a puppet of some mad scientist’s Markov chain. It’s the same two-state matrix for thirty years: good guys (1), bad guys (0), and Microsoft holds the zero key.

At least Linux pretends to be honest—open source, flaws and all. But hey, even they strip out kernel libraries to break unwanted software. Welcome to the technocracy of technocrats: they’ll all shuffle off this mortal coil eventually—no heaven, no genetic salvation. And when the final tape resurfaces, you’ll smash “Abort” and call it a day.